The Big “Winning” Ego – Nafs-e-Mutmainnah

There are many of us who have gotten our “ego” imbalanced and permanently inflated. When such people find themselves in an authoritative position or in an argumentative situation, the inevitable result is that they disregard and/or disrespect others. They have an overwhelming urge to have an upper hand at all costs. 

But not surprisingly, the apparent winner over others ultimately turns into an ignominious loser. The question here is, “Why is an egotistical attitude considered bad or unacceptable?”

High, inflated egos invariably breed “arrogance”, which in turn evolves a persistent “Win/Lose” (W/L) attitude of superiority, creating an imbalanced “critical” behavior that thrives by looking down upon others who have less status, possessions, or authority or any such form.  The arrogant ego tries to push or put down the “lesser” type of people, whenever the opportunity comes about. 

The Win/Win (W/W) attitude is that of a real winner… aiming for a win. The win is not for the person alone rather it is a “win/win” for all those around also. Such a kind and noble predisposition requires having a controlled ego and a balanced feeling for humanity that results in a humble and empathetic behavior. This behavior is balanced and implemented with each and every person, irrespective of their color, caste, country, creed and regardless of their position or status (educational, social, financial).

How Do We Tame the Selfish Ego?

What is the effective approach to taming our selfish ego, and easing life for ourselves, as well as for others ?

Ego is understood as the “Nafs.” We are born with a Nafs (self) that is instinctive and pleasure-seeking that wants instant gratification:  “I” have to have what “I” desire and it needs to be fulfilled at the earlierst. It is that part of our self that has desires, appetite, anger, passion. While it is called the “ego”, many may even call it “the carnal self.”

This is the self-centered Nafs-e-Ammaarah (N-A) and it calls us to the desires. In the Qur’an this nafs is mentioned as:

إِنَّ النَّفْسَ لَأَمَّارَةٌ بِالسُّوء

Indeed, the soul is a persistent enjoiner of evil
[Surah Yusuf:53]

However, this N-A has to be reigned for harmonious coexistence with others.  This is done through our “conscience” which is provided by “nature” as a monitor, and is gradually developed by a process of “nurture”.  Our nature is fitrah which recognizes the Creator.

So, in order to control our raw ego from becoming inflated and getting a “superiority complex” (arrogance), or on the other hand, getting our ego deflated in the negative and donning an “inferiority complex” (persistent feeling of some real or perceived inadequacy), we need to step up our N-A by the active use of our conscience, and thus acquire the elevated conscientious Nafs-e-Lawwaamah (N-L).

In the Qur’an this is how it is mentioned:

وَلَا أُقْسِمُ بِالنَّفْسِ اللَّوَّامَةِ

“And I swear by the reproaching soul.”
[Surah Al-Qiyamah: 2]

Lawwām here means to self-incriminate, to self-reproach, [to blame oneself]. This N-L is in itself a blessing as it ensures moral uprightness and thus harmonious living. If a person sins, this nafs allows the guilt and makes a person feel the wrong. Laws have been broken as practiced by the government, moral grounds have been eradicated as per norms or what the Shariah has prescribed as a sin. The ultimate result is, the feeling of remorse and regret. There is a feeling of embarrassment and to take back the crime committed.

Further to N-L, for the maximum heightening of our Nafs, we aim for the truly “peaceful” plateau state of serenity and tranquility, Nafs-e-Mutmainnah (N-M). This is achieved through the sublime “spiritual” development of the Conscientious Self (N-L) and only by pleasing the Rabb.

يَا أَيَّتُهَا النَّفْسُ الْمُطْمَئِنَّةُ ارْجِعِي إِلَى رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةً مَرْضِيَّةً

To the righteous it will be said, “Oh reassured soul, return to your Lord well pleased, and pleasing to Him.”
[Al-Fajr:27-28]

How do We Achieve Nafs-e Mutmainnah?

So, how can we achieve the highest state of self, N-M, from our attained state of N-L?

Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) Himself guides us in clear terms by saying that the perennial “contentment of the heart” is only through His constant remembrance and in honoring Him (with total submissiveness) to our Most Merciful Creator and the Most Beneficent Sustainer. 

Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) says:

‏ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ

Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.”
[Ar-Ra’d: 28]

Thus, N-M is the self (ego) that is saturated with contentment, which is the ultimate success. This by far is a true winner for all times.

Here is the summary of the types of nafs to make the understanding easier.